LOVE ZONE: Good people can have bad marriages

Anyone can get entangled in bad marriages

I was privately chatted some days ago by one of my readers, “Dear Maxy, I think marriage is a scam. If not, why do good people have bad marriages”? (I sighed)

Well, it may seem unfair that a good person has a bad marriage, but the following assertions are true;

1. Nobody is perfect, hence there will always be something in someone that someone else will not like
2. A good person does not mean a perfect person, it only means you have more good than bad
3. A good marriage does not mean “absence of conflict”, it only means there is a “willingness for conflict resolution”.

Having laid this premise, even good people can have bad marriages.

See what psychologists say about surviving bad marriages

Being good is not all that is required to have a good marriage. So many things are needed. For instance, you may be caring, loving, kind, generous, prayerful, calm, quiet, faithful, but do you support your spouse to achieve his or her own goals? Are you tactful with conflict resolutions?

Are your demands from your spouse unreasonable in a sense? Do you expect so much from your spouse that you unknowingly batter his/her self esteem? Do you communicate effectively with your spouse? Is God truly first in your home? And the questions can go on.

The problem is sometimes because we feel we are “good people”, we start feeling entitled. Although there is absolutely no crime in feeling entitled once in a while, if not tactfully done, you could choke your spouse with your extreme expectations of how a “good person” like you should be treated.

Also, read LOVE ZONE: Behavioural modification is not the same as good behaviour

This is where we hear comments like “After all I have done for you”, “I was there for you when you had nothing”, “I made you who you are today”, “I kept myself for you”, “I have been faithful to you”, and the list is endless. These kinds of entitlement statements can be aggravating if consistently used and can lose its power over your spouse.

So, it is important to make the necessary adjustments. Be happy with yourself so you can give happiness, find purpose and live for it, know that your spouse is not your clone and be ready to forgive offences. Love genuinely, and when your spouse hurts you, attack the issue, not his person.

Communicate your fears so you and your spouse can deal with it. Make your point respectfully (you don’t have to bring your spouse’s ego down so you can stay up).

Learn to apologize when you overstep, understand your place in your home, and play your role. Be careful what you say to each other when you have a misunderstanding so you don’t put a strain on your relationship. Above all, be submissive and drop unhealthy competition with your spouse.

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed but that happens only when the two people involved put in the necessary work to make that happen.

Together we can make a great nation.

God bless us all